Let pain go

Indian mystic Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, later known simply as Osho, said, "When you become good at the art of letting sufferings go, then you'll come to realize what you were dragging around with you. And for that, no one else other than you was responsible."

My monthly ezine today talks about the fact that pain that's not transformed is transmitted. Osho's quote reminds us of the heaviness of dragging around our pain and suffering. If we can simply be with our pain and woundings, letting them flow through us and out of us, we can move on. We can then be transformed rather than letting those wounds affect our words and behavior, thus transmitting them on to those around us.

When I say "simply" be with our pain, I don't mean to imply that this is simple. It is not. It does take intention. And hard work. And only we are responsible for that. We may try to lay blame on others for our pain and suffering. And it may be true that someone did something to us that caused great pain. However, we are responsible for hanging onto it rather than letting it flow through and then letting it go. We are responsible to find ways to heal that pain so it doesn't affect our relationships and behavior.

What pain do you need to let go in your life? Are you transmitting any of your suffering to others? Today is a good day to let pain be transformed, to be healed, to turn pain into peace.

Spring—and intention

Winter is still hanging on (with a vengeance) here in the Midwest. However, there are wonderful signs of new life, too—blades of iris plants poking bravely out of the cold earth and birds singing with abandon.

In my latest issue of Magnolia Journal: Inspiration for Life and Home, editor Joanna Gaines clearly is looking forward to the arrival of spring, too. Here's what she says:

"As new life is turning all around us, I feel a similar sensation prompting me to grow some things and shed others. Whether it's the readying of my garden or the airing out and freshening up of our home, this season always stirs within me a desire to consider what I have outgrown or need to weed out in order to make room for what I hold most dear."

Yes! That's a wonderful thought, I think. Gaines goes on to talk about living intentionally and making conscious decisions about how we live our lives and fill our days. I like that idea, too.

As you think about living intentionally—and about growing some things and letting go of others, what comes to mind? What changes might you make? Why not start with one today?

Living between two delights

Letting go is one of the primary tasks of people in the second half of life. By that time, we have gathered so much material "stuff," and we have also gathered a good deal of internal "stuff"—anger, old resentments, things unforgiven and held tightly for years, old behaviors that no longer work (perhaps never did) and so much more.

Letting go is easier for some people than for others. But it's not necessarily easy for anyone. Take a look today and see what you might be holding onto that could be weighing you down or holding you back. Think how great it will feel to let go of some of that—to simply let some things fall away. 

Author Phillip Harnden says this: "We take delight in things; we take delight in being loosed from things. Between these two delights, we must dance our lives."

Yes! It is both/and, isn't it? And somewhere between those two things, we live. Perhaps today is a good day for you to examine where on that line between you wish to cast your lot for now! From what can you be loosed?

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to you! No matter how you spend your New Year's Day, whether you make resolutions or not, whether you are into reflection or introspection or not, here are a couple questions that might be worth some thought.

What was last year like for you? For what are you hoping in the year ahead? Carl Jung said that "where you stumble and fall, there you find pure gold." Did you stumble at all? Did you find gold? What did you learn about yourself through those experiences? Did you encounter roadblocks or get stuck? Did you meet someone who helped you? Did you let go of any inner (or outer) "trash"—things you no longer need, believe or want to carry around? Letting go can set you on the bridge to new freedom if you let it. And don't we love new beginnings?

Here's to a serene, beautiful year for you—filled with moments that absolutely take your breath away!

Keep it simple

A book that I regularly return to for its wisdom and inspiration is Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from the Sea. My sister gave me this book in 1995 when I first became a grandmother, and I still pick it up often to see what I highlighted and wrote in the page margins.

Just last week I reread what Lindbergh wrote about shedding hypocrisy and living in authenticity: "The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere. That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask. I have shed my mask."

Further, she speaks of simplifying our lives, noting "what extraordinary spiritual freedom and peace such simplification can bring."

As we near the end of this extraordinarily busy time of year—and think about how we want to enter a brand new year—it's a good time to reflect on letting go of masks, living in authenticity and simplifying our lives.

Those darn expectations!

Letting go is such an essential theme as we move past age 50. Letting go of outdated ideas of who we are (many of us lacked confidence and self-esteem at a younger age, so it's time for an updated version as we age). Letting go of old belief systems that don't work any longer (or perhaps never did). Sometimes we even need to let go of old relationships that no longer work—say, a friendship in which there's really nothing in common any longer and which seems more of an onerous "to do" than a pleasure. Letting go of old resentments. Even letting go of "stuff" and de-cluttering our homes and lives!

One more essential letting-go piece that I still struggle with is letting go of expectations and letting go of attachment to outcomes. Both expectations and attachment to outcomes always set me up for a fall. I'm far better off going into a situation with an open heart and mind. But, oh, that's tough for me.

Do you have trouble with this, too? In her book What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying, Dr. Karen M. Wyatt says: "One of the benefits of releasing expectations is the experience of a calm and even mind: equanimity. ... This quality allows you to tolerate stressful situations without getting lost in emotion and projecting yourself into the future or getting trapped in the misery of the past."

Yes! That makes so much sense to me. Now if I can just learn to live that way more often than I live with expectations and attachment to outcomes.

Friendships & letting go

Have you ever had to let go of a friendship for one reason or another? Perhaps the relationship was too toxic or negative and was dragging you down? Or perhaps your former friend betrayed you? Maybe you just didn't have much in common anymore.

Friends mean a lot to most of us. It's difficult to let go of old friends with whom we have deep ties and connections. When situations arise when you need to consider whether to keep the friendship or let go, spend some time before making a decision. Check in with your heart. Would you really miss the friend if you let go? What things would you miss? Do you get those things elsewhere? How important is that in your life? There are many more things to consider. Take your time.

Once you make a choice, move ahead decisively, knowing you've done your discernment work and that you're taking care of yourself. Although you may feel sadness about the loss of what once was good, you will also feel empowered knowing you have made a tough decision. It is true that sometimes friendships have seasons, and they come and go in our lives.

If you would like, I invite you to share an experience you've had around this.

Surprise, there's still more

Last Friday we talked about letting go. I've worked on doing this for years, and one thing I know: When you think you've done all the letting go you need to do, there's always still more. And it will arise to confront you when the time is right for you to do so.

I had that happen again last week. I think I've let go of so many old attitudes, beliefs, resentments, ways of being, masks, etc. And still several more emerged last week in a healing touch session I had. The time must be right, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to shed some more unnecessary baggage.

Have you given any thought to what might be holding you back these days? Would shedding some old tapes or resentments lighten your load and get you unstuck so you can fly free? Would forgiving someone else—or yourself—free you to be more authentic and loving?

It's worth doing an inner check, not unlike a physical exam, after you've come up with a list of things to shed. Here are some starter ideas:

• Shame
• Expectations
• Fears
• Anger, grudges and resentments
• Behaviors that aren't authentic to you
• Masks that hide who you really are (but remember, we do need some safety and can't completely let it all hang out). Generally, we wear far more than we need, however.
• Worry
• Attachment to physical strength as you age. See the opportunity and not just the loss of limitations.
• Perfectionism
• The need to be liked
• The "shoulds" of life

Like spring housecleaning, this isn't a once-and-done activity. Repeat as often as necessary!






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Shed the baggage. Soar like a butterfly.

I talk a lot in these blogs and in my ezines about the letting go we do as we age. I don't just mean letting go of external "stuff" such as possessions and belongings. While that's also important, I mean letting go of inner baggage. It seems to me the essential task of the later stages of life.

Are you still carrying around grudges and resentments? Unforgiven hurts, either those done to you or those done by you? Old beliefs and ideas that no longer work, or perhaps never really worked but somehow you picked them up in childhood or somewhere along the way and tried to conform? Toxic friendships? Expectations, many of which are unrealistic? Views of yourself or others that simply aren't true? Obligations that don't interest you or feed you anymore (perhaps it's someone else's job to do now)? Illusions?

There's so much inner "housecleaning" we need to do as we mature. It feels so good to let go, to be able to travel more lightly—to soar like a butterfly.

Forgive. Touch into your compassion—for others and for yourself. Open your heart and let the love flow in and through. It's a much happier, freer way to live.

Just say "No"

It really can't be said to often: Letting go is an essential theme for the last half of life. There is so much that has stuck to us as we've gone through life—ways of being and of doing things, old tapes and messages about who we are or how we act, old beliefs that don't work for us anymore, even some friendships that have really gone bad but from which we haven't known how to disengage.

At a certain age, it's time to take a look at who we really are. How do we want to define ourselves? What do we want to do and be? What simply doesn't work any longer? What would free us up to be who we were meant to be?

It's a good time to learn to say "No" if you haven't already. Say "No" to things that are unsatisfying but use up your time. Say "No" to relationships that are abusive or that aren't life-giving. Say "No" to negative beliefs about yourself—things that someone long ago said to you often enough that you adopted them for your own. (You are stupid. You are ugly. You are a failure. Etc.) Say "No" to tending to everyone else's needs and ignoring your own.

And say "Yes" to authenticity. Say "Yes" to life on your terms, to living in a way that feels healthy and right for you. Say "Yes" to believing you are worthy. You are! Say "Yes" to self-compassion and self-care; that actually puts you in a space where you're better able to show others care and compassion.

You get the idea. It all starts with "No" and with letting go.

Letting life unfold

Jon Kabat-Zinn, whose specialty is mindfulness-based stress reduction, has a lovely way of describing how we can simply let life unfold. Make no mistake, however, letting life simply unfold isn't simple! Most of us tend to try force things into our preconceived notions of how they should be. Often, that doesn't work out—have you noticed?

Anyway, here's what Kabat-Zinn says: "Non-doing simply means letting things be and allowing them to unfold in their own way. Enormous effort can be involved, but it is a graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort, a doerless doing."

Got it? Hmmm, perhaps not. It really does go against the grain of our typical way of being. Perhaps you have learned how to allow things "to unfold in their own way." If so, kudos to you. I'm still trying to learn this. I know that forcing an outcome doesn't work. But just letting go and letting things be is difficult. It's a life lesson on which I'm working.

I wonder whether I shouldn't post Kabat-Zinn's words somewhere so I'll read them daily. Perhaps in time the "graceful, knowledgeable, effortless effort" way of being might sink more deeply into my consciousness. That description intrigues and invites me. How about you?

The weight of the past

A teacher once asked her class to guess the weight of the water in a glass she had filled half full and held in her hand. The students attempted several guesses. Eventually the teacher said that the weight of the water really didn't matter so much as the length of time she held it.

"If I hold this for just 10 minutes, it's not heavy. If I hold it for an hour or two, it's a lot heavier. If I hold this all day long, my arm will be sore—perhaps it'll even go numb," said the teacher. The length of time you hold the glass matters more than the actual weight of the water in the glass, she reiterated to the students.

The pastor who told this story last Sunday used it to illustrate his point that the same is true for all the old baggage we carry around with us. Old hurts and resentments. Unforgiven comments or actions. Old beliefs and messages that no longer work. They didn't seem so heavy at first, did they? But after we carry them around for a few years—unresolved, unforgiven and unforgotten—they get heavier and heavier.

It was yet another image for me to remind me to let go, let go, let go. It's no good dragging things from the past around with us forever. It holds us back. It prevents our joy. It keeps our hearts closed and sealed off from the love that we could let in and that could be let out to others, too. What do you need to let go? What's heavy for you today?

Wounds & forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's such a difficult thing to do, isn't it? And no one really teaches us how to go about it. The older we get, however, the more essential it becomes—as we seek to let go of all those things that weigh us down and get in the way of a healthy, happy life. If we don't learn to forgive and let go, we'll be carrying more baggage than a diva headed to Paris for two months!

Forgiving others is tough. It can depend on the type and size of the wounding. Perhaps if we try to care for and nurture ourselves with the woundedness (rather than nurturing the wound itself and the attendant anger), we would be able to heal. And with the healing, we would be better able to forgive—and then let go. Self-compassion and self-care lead us to more compassion and care for others, and such an attitude sets the stage for forgiveness. We know that hurting people hurt others. And caring people care for others.

Forgiving ourselves is even more difficult. Here's the thing: Forgiveness is so good for us. It's restorative. It restores us to health, for when we carry around the guilt and shame of whatever it is we've done, we are in an unhealthy state. And, as we know, sometimes that guilt and shame can actually cause physical illness as well. At the least, our emotional/spiritual state is unhealthy until we can forgive and let go. Once we forgive, we are restored. We're set free from the shackles of guilt, shame, anger and whatever else has bound us in that state of unforgiveness. That definitely is worth all the hard work of healing and forgiving.

Let go of regrets

Do you live with regret for things you've said and done in the past? Has regret become a ball-and-chain for you?

Someone asked that question recently, and a handful of women responded in various ways. I've been thinking about that a lot since then. It's understandable that, as we look back on our lives, we recall some things we said or did with regret, sometimes even with shame. However, unless we use that sense of regret or shame to cull some lessons from those experiences, such emotions can weigh us down and prevent us from really moving forward freely. It can keep us stuck and weighed down. Once we draw the life lessons from such experiences, it's healthier to forgive ourselves, let go and move on.

Forgiveness and letting go are such crucial parts of a healthy life as we age. We don't want to be weighed down by old baggage. We can't change the past. We can only change how we do things going forward. And here's the other thing: All the experiences in our past, both the good and the bad ones, add up to make us who we are today. We would not be who we are and where we are without a variety of life experiences and without making mistakes and learning lessons from them.

And so I invite you to be grateful even for those things you regret—yes, I did say be grateful. For, we hope, you have learned much from those things you regret having said and done. I know I have. I've probably learned more from my mistakes than from any successes I've ever had! Forgive, let go and move on. Ah, feel that serenity settle into your heart.

Subtract—don't add

I really love being exposed to the ideas from many sources and many centuries. So much growth and discovery comes from that, at least for me. This thought comes from 13th century German theologian, philosopher and mystic Meister Eckhart: The process of enlightenment is one of subtraction, not addition.

That is, growth and transformation result more from letting go than from adding new things into our lives. Sometimes we spend immense amounts of time and energy searching for that new idea, that new practice, that perfect answer to what's troubling us—when we could better look at what needs to be shed from our lives. That shedding includes old baggage, resentments, fears, anger, limiting beliefs about ourselves and the way we see others and the world "out there" and so much more. It's good to let go of of illusions and beliefs that no longer work (or perhaps never did).

I know I talk a lot about the process of letting go. It just seems essential to authenticity—to traveling light as we age. We seem to spend much of the first half of our lives adding things on as we seek to become the best we can be. And then at a certain age, we realize that it's far more important to boil down to the core of who we truly are. It's essential to become authentic and to stay grounded in what really reflects our values and beliefs. And we realize that we've collected a lot of unnecessary baggage along the way, so it's time to do some clearing out and letting go. Time for decluttering our lives.

This could be the new math for aging: up with subtracting and down with adding.

Letting go of 'stuff'

We live in such a consumer society. Ads and marketing urge us to buy more and more and more "stuff" until our closets and houses are filled to overflowing—and we even have to rent storage sheds to hold the overflow.

At the same time, there's a real movement afoot these days to declutter our homes and our lives. Perhaps that's in reaction to the ads and marketing with which we've been bombarded these past years. In any case, to me it seems a good thing to look at that with which we surround ourselves and ask whether we still want the stuff around—or whether that might be treasure for someone else.

I heard the other day about one woman who picks up each item in her house and asks, "Does this give me joy?" If it no longer gives her joy, she regifts it or she gives it to a charity that can sell it and use the money. She is letting go and clearing out so that she'll just be left with those items she really wants or needs.

I am intrigued with that question: "Does this give me joy?" And with the process, too. I regularly go through clothing and other things and give away what I don't want or need. But I haven't done as thorough a job as the woman I referenced above. The other question that occurs to me sometimes is, "How much is enough?" I really do have much, much more than enough. I don't need yet another sweater. Another pair of earrings. Another candleholder or knick-knack. Really, I don't.

What are your thoughts on all this? I'd love to hear how you handle "stuff."

Objects that bring joy

Several of us already have done it. Some are in the process. Yet others of us are thinking about doing it soon. And, of course, there are always those for whom it hasn't become a pressing issue yet. And there are even those who really fear doing this.

I'm talking about decluttering. Cleaning out. Shedding some of our possessions. Letting go. Downsizing. Some of our "stuff" simply needs to be tossed. Much of it probably can be given to an organization that will sell it, using the proceeds for a good cause. Still other items might be given to family members because they contain some sentimental (or real) value. And some we'll keep. It's a matter of choices.

A friend of mine recently said she'd heard a question that might help in that decision-making process. As you look at each item in your house and consider whether you use it or not, also ask: "Does this item bring me joy?" If it isn't being used, hasn't been used for quite some time and does not bring you joy, perhaps it's time to re-gift it, sell it or even toss it.

I like that image: things in a home that are either functional and used or a source of joy! Wow, that's fascinating. I'm going to remember that question as I go through objects in my possession, which I do from time to time. "Does it bring me joy?"

Ever tried that? What's your experience with decluttering and letting go? Please share with us in the Comment Box if you would. 

Reminders to let go

Yesterday I had quite an unpleasant exchange with a person in a retail establishment. I tried to explain something to her, and she wasn't listening—she just continued being fairly rude and judgmental about the situation. I left with a bad taste in my mouth. And I'm not proud to admit, I spent too much time afterward stewing over the exchange. I should have simply dropped it from my mind. There was no point wasting my time nor my energy when I had plenty of other things to do (including to write this and my other blogs for the week!).

The woman in the store needed to take a chill pill. She also needed to give a care to customer relations. But I also needed to heed my own words, words I know I've written several times in these blogs: Let go, let go, let go. I couldn't change what had happened. Stewing about it did absolutely no good. In fact, it stole some joy from what was otherwise a beautiful day. The weather was lovely. I'd been out with friends. The work I had to do once I arrived home was all work I love doing. So why did I even give another thought to a retail employee's attitude?

I'm going to take this situation as another reminder to me: Let go of the small stuff. If I can't change it, accept it and move on. Let it go. Don't let a small situation loom so large in my mind. Let go, Sonia. Move on.

Ever have that happen? Let it go!

Say 'No' to perfectionism

As a recovering perfectionist, I really love this saying: "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." This quote is from now-dead Harriet Braiker, clinical psychologist and self-help author who wrote the book, The Type E Woman: How to Overcome the Stress of Being Everything to Everybody, which described the stresses of balancing family and career.

Even that book title says a lot, doesn't it? Those of us who grew up striving for perfection know all too well the stresses of trying to do it all—or trying to be everything to everybody. It's exhausting. It's guaranteed disappointment and unhappiness. It leads to resentment. And it's absolutely impossible. And the more you show that you can do, the more others expect from you. So it doesn't end ... until you decide to stop it yourself.

Letting go of perfectionism means learning to say "No," and it means learning how to set boundaries.

If you have issues with perfectionism and want to let go, I invite you to contact me for a complimentary strategy session. You do not have to continue down that difficult and no-win road. Think of how freeing it will be to let go of that heavy weight.

Open to the new

I just learned of yet another former colleague who lost her job. This may even be the third time for her. There's a lot of that going on these days, isn't there?

Perhaps you've been through that. I have. It's pretty devastating when it happens, especially if you had absolutely no idea it was coming. However, often there are opportunities embedded in this crisis, too.

Once they've experienced the grief and fear of job loss, many people—perhaps most—say that reinventing oneself is really an amazing opportunity. You learn a lot about yourself, for one thing. And you have a chance to think about what other talents and gifts you may have that weren't getting used before. You may have something you've long wanted to try. Or you may not—but even so, may fall into a job that really suits you even better. Often, people say that the new is so much better than what they had before but they would never have imagined that at the time.

What I learned through my experience was to just be open—open to letting go of the old, open to trying new things, open to replacing old dreams with new ones, open to the adventure of it all. I don't mean to diminish the financial fears that often accompany such an experience; I certainly faced that myself. But when I was in my former job, I would not have imagined the wonderful life I now have. I hope that will be true for you if you're experiencing job loss right now.